Own your feelings

Divorce Proofing Your Marriage Series #1 of 4

Has your spouse ever run to the store and come home with a treat?! Except you learn the treat is only for them? It might hurt your feelings, same thing if your spouse spends a lot of money on something and you had other plans for that cash. Sometimes when we are confronted with this type of situation, we choose to criticize! The phrase “You’re being selfish” might come to mind…

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Instead of getting bent out of shape about it next time, own your emotions! Look at your spouse and practice saying “I-statements” every day:

            -I want some of that candy, please

            -I would like to be included in making future vacation plans

            -I would like to spend some money on xyz

Are you catching on? It’s not particularly difficult, but it does take some brain retraining. Keep in mind that this can get heated very quickly if you try to start with really big, touchy issues, so practice small first. Make it fun! 

For this date, go to the store and buy an assortment of things that you and your spouse enjoy snacking on. Put everything in a bowl and take turns using “I statements” to ask for things. The rule is you can’t get anything for yourself! Only for your spouse! Notice that if you don’t communicate what you want, your spouse doesn’t know (no mind-reading allowed!)  If you want this date to last longer pick a board game to play in between your “I statement” practice. 

*This series of dates is a little unique. You can focus on each of these one week at a time during four consecutive weeks, or if you’re feeling overwhelmed then try doing one of these dates each month and working on the goals for each over a month period while have some lighthearted dates in between each concept.

**For more complete information regarding elements of the 4 Horsement concept please consider studying John Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work available here for purchase: Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work