Rock climbing and stonewalling

Image courtesy of StoneMoves.com

This is the final date in this particular series. We’ve been learning how to communicate better between spouses by finding anecdotes to bad patterns that we may have fallen into.  I remember concepts best if I have a memory that I can attach to it, so for this date you’re going to try rock climbing! Get it? Rock, Stone, rock climbing, stone walling? I’m feeling clever! ;) Anyway! Stone Man Climbing is a site that offers rock climbing

Let’s learn a little about stonewalling before you rush off on your exciting date. Have you ever felt yourself shut down in a heated discussion with your spouse? Have you watched your spouse do this? Sometimes we can overwhelm our spouses in an argument by pushing them a little too far, causing them to shut down before we really manage to find a solution to the problem. This act of shutting down is what we’re referring to as “stonewalling” and it can really hurt your relationship. One way to fight this pattern in a relationship is to come up with a safe word that can be used to pause a discussion for about twenty minutes so that you can let a particularly stressful conversation cool down before continuing. During this date toss around light-hearted words that you could use for this purpose. Hopefully the memory of rock climbing will be fresh in your mind the next time one of you starts to stonewall.

Some safe word ideas could include silly things that ease the tension for a minute, a random fruit or food item or whatever you think you would be comfortable saying easily during a conflict. My husband and I say “turkey” because we jokingly refer to each other as “turkey’s” if we steal a bite of their sandwich or use all the hot water before the other has a chance to shower. It works for us because it’s really hard to call someone a “turkey” and be truly angry about it. This immediately reminds us of laughing together and does a lot to calm down our arguments while we take a time out. Let me know what words you pick I’d love to hear them in the comments

*This series of dates is a little unique. You can focus on each of these one week at a time during four consecutive weeks, or if you’re feeling overwhelmed then try doing one of these dates each month and working on the goals for each over a month period while have some lighthearted dates in between each concept.

**For more complete information regarding elements of the 4 Horsemen concept please consider studying John Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work available here for purchase: Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work